Based on an old poem; is it better now?

Based on my first published poem at the age of 10:

This morning I watched the sun come up,

It was a beautiful sight,

And soon within my room there shone,

Rays of the beaming sunlight.



Sunrise



Dawn breaks

over still waters

tiny ripples

touch the sand

gulls soar

crying morning greetings.



The golden orb

jumps out of the sea

rising slowly

from its depths

I squint

to see its glory.



Light envelopes

my dark bedroom

spreading slowly

over my bed

I rejoice

in morning light.

Based on an old poem; is it better now?
What a great way to wake up. I love morning light. You wrote this and you were published when you were 10? it's wonderful. I didn't write my first poem "Lily" until I was 15 and it is no where near as good as yours. Actually, it's not good at all, but my teacher gave me an A+ which for me was rare. The A is what changed my whole attitude toward reading and writing. It is fun to go back and see where you began.



Oh, this is rewritten? I wish I could have seen the original.

What a great idea. I may have to do a rewrite of "Lily" and see where I can take it now.



Okay, so I'm still asleep...I thought the original poem was an introduction to this poem. The original is very sweet too.

I need coffee. I'm off to Starbucks.
Reply:Blimey, I never wrote any poetry until I was 50 - no wonder you are better than me! This is the truth.



Yes, I would say you sound about 12 now.....that was a joke!



(only one tiny point .....jumps out of the sea, rising slowly - a contradiction(?). I know what you mean - the sun isn't there and suddenly it is, but then it can't rise slowly from the

depths) I know what you are thinking Granny Jill can never let anything pass. Sorry. How about.....steals out of/up from the sea?
Reply:Yes it is better now, but you can see the seeds of it from what you did at 10. I love "I squint to see its glory"



It was a nice greeting to the morning. The furthest I can go back in writing is to 16 (at that point I was a little too serious).
Reply:I could only wish to be able to wake to a sunrise over the water. Hopefully in a year or two! Until now, I will read your poem and see it in my mind. Beautiful, Elaine!
Reply:That was sweet and simple and was beautiful...got the lovely picture of a sunrise....

and based on a poem published at the age of ten? yea....i could imagine a little Elaine leaning over a pen...
Reply:Not bad for 10! lol Well done oh prodigy. Your words since have proven such. I do agree with the jump....its like the glow is running ahead and then the ball magically appears or jumps.
Reply:The sunrise awakening you is quite a concept for a ten year old! I don't know your exact wording back then, but it stands well now. Somehow, I think it wasn't far off from today!
Reply:I like both, and maybe the first one a bit better, even though it is short.
Reply:Sexy poem. ;)
Reply:GREAT job I like it
Reply:only the first part