What do you think about this poem?

Life's a pleasant tradition.



Life's wing is as vast as death.



Life's a jump the size of love.



Life's not something,



we put on the mantel of habit



and forget.



It does not matter where I am.



The sky is always mine.



Windows, ideas, air, love,



earth, all mine.



Why does it matter if sometimes,



the mushrooms of nostalgia grow?



Let's take off our clothes.



Water is just a foot away.



Let's have a basket and



fill it up with all the greens



and all the reds.



We are not to comprehend;



the secret of roses, but maybe



swiming in the incantation of roses.



Or may be looking for



the song of truth



between the morning glory,



and the century.

What do you think about this poem?
Content is good but it needs to be more structured.....
Reply:Agree with murcia, content good but needs to be more structured.
Reply:yes. it's quite philosophical, quite a scathing comment on the excesses of human society's everlasting avarice. it is ironical as it may give false impression that it is reflecting on the mysteries of life.
Reply:Got good near the end



;-)
Reply:hrrrrrrm, its a bit hard on the eyes as it is laid out. A poem ought to scan fluidly and draw the reader line by line and stanza by stanza to its conclusion... I see this as 4 stanzas with a 5th waiting the last two lines.



The content is sound up to the last7 lines... then the images blur and "incantation" is perhaps not the best choice as one cannot swim in a speech or a chant. it lacks a little bit in its conclusion, an extra two line to deliver a final punch would transform it... you have a great style developing here, id love to see you take the work, tweak it a bit and then re-post it.



The Poet has the hardest lot of all writers, im a prose man myself, to capture both image and meter and make it yours is a hard thing indeed. Keep writing! you have talent but you must concentrate and be ruthless in your editing. We are always our own worst critics! This is a good thing, as it saves time when you are face to face with publishers.
Reply:It's purpose is there, it's got great, verbose content and stirs the images I'm sure you want it too, structurally it needs some work to make it flow with a bit more ease. Well done!
Reply:I like it
Reply:i gess it was okay
Reply:It's very beautiful and so true.

It deserves a wider audience.

I like/agree with the underlying philosophy.

I will try to respond with my thoughts - not tonight because my tea is ready!

Very best wishes and a tear or two.
Reply:nice but a bit hard to understand in places!
Reply:its kinda complecated like Shakespear's poems.

Keep writting you are on you way to the Top.

I LIKE IT THOUGH.
Reply:IF you must ask us to critique your poetry which is not too too bad then please put it in proper lines and stanzas so we can read it as you intended it to be read....

rather than applying our own interpretation based on where we think the thoughts divide or end etc

Your imagery is good if a little fanciful your brain is frankly mush (as far as I can tell) and some of your statements are definitely at odds with my views.

But.......
Reply:My first reaction was negative i had to read it a few times before i got the feel of the poem. did you write it for yourself or for others to enjoy sometimes simple is better it didnt seem to flow and the negativity i first felt took a while to go before the optimism and joy of life you were potraying came through.but then again what do i know. i am no poet but i do enjoy reading poetry take heart that after a few readings i did get to enjoy it mainly due to the feeling that came from the poet and you are a poet and i may be just a little bit thick never let any negative views stop you from writing from the soul Well done
Reply:I`d go along with graceful g except to say that I find it more reflective than scathing. The subtext references an idealised fantasy against which the subject reality is judged. I wonder if the incantation of roses might not be a subconscious condensate of Shakespearean sonnets. Also I detect a calm acceptance of fate within the iambic parameters that lead into and out of the mushrooms of nostalgia. Certainly one that will need a few days to percolate through.